Content warning: suicidal thoughts

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I am not new to the feeling of wanting to kill myself. Nights spent wide awake, trying and failing to convince myself that the pain would end. Quick naps that turned into hours of sleeping, shirking all of my responsibilities. Even now that I am taking medication and my moods have stabilized, I doubt anyone knew how I was feeling.

Introduction

I am not a psychologist or a mental health expert. I am sharing my story to illustrate the importance of mental health treatment. If you are in a crisis, contact the Suicide Lifeline at 988. Another resource is The Trevor Project, a 24/7 crisis lifeline for young LGBTQ+ individuals.

Mental health is critical for many people, and especially for trans people. From both personal and professional experience, I have learned that someone struggling with mental health can highly benefit from external concern. Another person reaching out can make a world of difference to someone in a crisis.

Why is my transgender identity relevant? Many of us have heard about the vastly disproportionate transgender suicide rates. Recent data from the U.S. Transgender Population Health Survey shows that over 80% of trans people have thought about suicide, and over 40% have attempted.

If you are feeling depressed or hopeless, that’s okay. It’s something that we all need to be more open about. Having a confidant who can keep you safe is a tremendous way to ensure you’re not just surviving, but thriving.

My Mental Health Journey

When I was fifteen years old, I came out to my oldest brother. He is Catholic, as is the rest of my immediate family. I don’t remember what he said, but I remember the way he said it, full of judgment and shame. There was something about God’s plan, and something about needing to confess my sins.

That was the first time I wanted to commit suicide.

The second time was when my father signed me up to see a conversion therapist.

Luckily, my cousin lived in the area. She was extremely supportive and taught me how to stand my ground, and that it’s okay to be different. I was okay for a while because of her.

College was different, though. I went to an extremely conservative university that still had a gendered college system. The men belonged to one college, and the women to another. I wasn’t sure where I belonged.

I was on the men’s dorm floor, only because I fought for my right to be there. We had a communal bathroom. When I showered, I only had a thin wall and a plastic curtain to conceal myself from others.

I had only transitioned socially at this point. The name on my ID was feminine; I had no facial hair; my body was small yet curvy. So, I felt shunned. Guys looked at me strangely in the bathroom. They called me a faggot in passing and to my face.

That was the third time I wanted to kill myself.

It got better, though. I transferred to a different college, made queer friends, and met my current partner. Obviously, many of my mental health problems stemmed from the harassment I had experienced, and that was over. However, I still struggled and never felt in control of my life. My partner convinced me to see a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.

Learning about bipolar disorder was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I am now taking medication. My moods are more stable, and I can enjoy life to its fullest rather than letting my manic-depressive swings get in the way.

Medication will not fix everything, though, and there are some steps I took that helped me be more in control of my life.

Small Daily Steps

There is plenty of mental health advice out there. This is just what has worked for me.

1. Make friends you can be honest with

Honesty and trust may seem impossible when in the middle of a crisis. I thought that if I told anyone how I was feeling, I would get stuck in a psych ward and ruin my life.

Mental health treatment will not ruin your life. In fact, if people are concerned enough to get you professional help, that’s a sign that they care.

I had friends in the past who didn’t care. I was honest with them, and they didn’t really do anything to help. Those are not quality friendships. Find people who care about mental health and will help you when you’re in a rut. Talking to a therapist or another professional can also be helpful.

Some ideas on how to find friends as an adult:

• Go to local events. In my city, these are usually held by places like small cafes and bookstores. Local libraries also often hold events.
• Join a club. This can be a running/fitness club, a board game club, an arts and crafts club, or any other club you can find.
• If in college:
  • Sit with other people in the dining hall. Find someone who’s sitting alone and ask if you can join them.
  • Go to dorm meetings.
  • Attend affinity groups. These can have different names, but are usually groups based on a shared identity.
  • Join study groups.

2. Take control of what you can

There is a concept I’ve learned: the circles of control, influence, and concern (originally from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey). The circle of control is everything in your life that you can change by yourself. The circle of influence contains anything that you can’t directly control, but you may influence. Finally, the circle of concern contains anything that you have no influence over.

We should focus the most on our circle of influence, then our circle of control, and lastly our circle of concern. In doing so, we don’t waste effort or energy on things we can’t change.

As an example in my current life, something important to me in my circle of concern is my brother. I have tried and failed to help him understand my trans identity, but I’ve learned it would take a miracle for him to treat me with respect. So, I don’t reach out to him and I haven’t seen him in five years. I don’t waste energy trying to repair a fruitless relationship with him. This has improved my mental health by preventing me from ruminating and negative thinking patterns.

Conversely, something in my circle of influence is my debt: student loans, medical debt, and my car. Although I have a relatively small salary compared to my expenses, I’m working hard to budget so I can pay off my debt in the next 6 years.

This is the kind of mindset I have been using and it has tremendously helped me to have more energy for the things I care about. If you focus on your circle of influence and circle of control, it will be much easier to spend time on what matters to you rather than focusing on circumstances you can’t change.

3. Romanticize your life

This one is simple. Every time you’re doing something that makes you happy, take a moment to really enjoy it. Forget for that moment all of your negative circumstances, and soak in your pleasures.

Some things I do to romanticize my life:

• Go for a walk. Notice the shade of green in the grass and in the trees. Embrace the sunlight or the snow.
• Talk to your pets. Tell them about your day and ask them about theirs.
• Make dinner fancy. Set mood lighting, plate your food like a chef would, and enjoy your dinner without distractions.
• Light a candle.
• Have a nice beverage. You can get coffee machines and even espresso machines for cheap at a thrift store. Alternatively, you can make matcha, chai, lemonade, hot chocolate, horchata, or any other beverage you can think of.
• Listen to music on speakers. Allow yourself to enjoy your favorite songs out loud.

4. Don’t forget you have a future

I never thought I would still be alive at my current age. When I was a teenager, I really thought I wouldn’t make it to my twenties. This kind of thinking is a mistake.

There is some merit to living in the present moment, but there is also great reward for planning ahead. Think seriously about what career you want to have ten years from now. Think about what life will look like for you, and get excited about it! Then, don’t forget to focus on things in your circle of influence so you can attain the life you want.

Here are some things I’m looking forward to in the future. See if you can name a few things that you want for yourself.

• Marrying my partner
• Getting gender affirming surgery
• Moving to a bigger apartment or house
• Focusing on my health

At the end of the day, what matters is that you are influencing what you can in your life to maintain a sense of control. Even though it’s slow, you are moving toward the life you want. Hold onto that.

If you are feeling depressed or have mental health concerns, please talk to a professional. It’s one of the best things you can do for yourself.